Public swimming baths are all the same
12:19 p.m. on 2005-12-17

Every Monday night my two stepsisters and myself head to the local baths for a swim. We aim for thirty laps per session - any more is a plus. It's not much, but it's better than nothing at all.

We've been going for about three or four months now and I have noticed certain things.

1. There is always a pair of old women who will swim at about a metre a minute, in tandem, chatting the entire way.

2. The blonde bombshell in her string bikini may be only fourteen or fifteen, but her perfect figure is enough to sicken me and my sisters.

3. Men insist on doing two laps - there and back - using a very fast and energetic front crawl, creating a splash zone several metres wide and creating small tidal waves across the pool. At the end of every frantic dash they will then break for a rest, lounging at one end of the pool looking cocky.

4. This behaviour does not prove their manhood or make them attractive in the eyes of any of the female swimmers. Actually, all we feel is irritated by their childish antics, and the idea of anything else is nauseating.

5. There will be at least three old women who will not move out of anyone's way. No matter what.

6. In every group of small kids learning to swim, there is a fat kid who bombs into the deep end.

7. Everyone, upon entering the pool, will turn to their fellow swimmers and go "brr, it's cold in here. It wasn't this cold last week." It was. You've just forgotten.

8. Everyone will spend the first five minutes in the pool faffing about trying to lower themselves into the water as slowly and gracefully as possible, whilst whinging about the temperature.

9. Large women. Bikinis. Don't do it.

10. Changing rooms are always disgusting. And when swallowing water accidentally in the pool, there is always a small voice in my head which screams "pee! Children have PEED in this pool!"

Listening to: Dean Martin "I'll Always Have My Love to Keep Me Warm"

Quote: Interviewer: "What is your all-time best travel tip?"
Ross Noble: "If you end up in a Turkish prison, don't sign up for the ballroom dancing classes."

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