"Even if I got rid of all my problems, I'd just go out and get new ones..."

It's not like I know anyone personally
8:24 p.m. on 2005-04-06

So my mum is on her diet.

Actually, she's always on a diet. Which is ridiculous for a number of reasons. Firstly, she isn't overweight. She actually has a damn fine figure that most people thirty years younger than her would kill to have. Secondly, it's never a proper diet. She'll have slightly less sugar in her tea, and decide to have an apple for lunch, only to then snack on cheese and taramslata when she comes home.

And thirdly... who cares? I mean, yes, be healthy. Obesity isn't pretty.

But perfection lies only in the eye of the beheld, and it's a fickle master.

She asked me whether she should have a couple of blemishes removed. They've been there for ~~fifty~~ years, so I don't see why they should sudden be surgically removed. They're part of her.

There is a wonderful scene in the pilot episode of Nip/Tuck. Troy, the evil (yet incredibly sexy) plastic surgeon has just slept with a beautiful young model. This woman is gorgeous - pert breasts, flat stomach, long slender legs, the whole lot. But Troy plays on her insecurities, her fear over her unemployment, and suggests that she's not as perfect as she might be, that's she's an eight, not a ten. Horrified, she asks him to show her exactly what can be done - and Troy proceeds to point out (with a lipstick) her slightly too small breasts, some fat that could come from her stomach, a few wrinkles that could be removed. When the model turns to the mirror she sees herself, hideous, covered in lipstick marks to define her faults.

Wonder what Troy would say to me? Too short, of course, but there's not much you can do about that. My legs are chunky and wedge shaped, though not fat - again, it's their shortness that contributes to their shape and that can't be helped. My stomach could be flatter, I'm sure. Breasts could go up a cup size. Take those wrinkles from around my eyes, those lines around my mouth. Remove all those unsightly blemishes and scars - the scratch from where Frodo dug his claws in just a little too far, or the pink patch on my finger where I scalped myself with a suitcase. Remove the cellulite from around my ass, firm it up with implants, take the fat and stick it into my chest, suck out those thighs.

Okay, I admit, I'm probably not the best person to start going on about beauty and perfection. I have a nice figure. I don't have to work hard to keep a flat stomach, I have a fast metabolism, thin arms, and my weight barely fluctuates a stone either way - so little that I rarely check. But in the world of Troy, in the world where Clint Eastwood's face looks like paper stretched too thin over bone, where Posh Spice puts her D cup breasts down to 'a good bra', where every star has had those little nips and tucks, had their hair treated, their personal stylists groomed, their cellulite air brushed out? I ain't perfect.

But increasingly, I don't care. We are told by the magazines and the tv shows that to be loved, to be wanted, we must strive for perfection. But look who's funding them. Look at the ads between every page of Vanity Fair. And look at the lives these perfect Adonis' live. It's fake, hollow, moulded by computers and surgery and fuzzy lighting.

It's a sham. A mock-up, a weird circus of freaks where stars demand 'butt doubles' and where a celebrity can be hailed as the best dressed when really, it's their stylist and the freeware at D&G who make all the choices.

Why the hell are we told to imitate a person who can't even make up their own mind as to which pair of jeans to put on the morning?!

Just remember folks - nine out of ten celebrities will have had work done. More than that, I imagine. Men and women. And for every beautiful picture of Britney in all her glossy, flawless, pert glory is a Heat scoop of the Spears looking like a dog's breakfast.

And there's a reason we all find those pictures so secretly satisfying. We know we're being lied to. We're just afraid of admitting it.

Listening to: Kathleen Edwards "Maria"

Quote: "We devoured the new issue of Seventeen last night. There was an article that said all you need to make a boy happy today is aggression and the perfect shade of plum lip gloss."

<< >>