"Even if I got rid of all my problems, I'd just go out and get new ones..."

Walk this way, little hobbits
10:12 p.m. on 2004-02-22

Look at the pretty new layout. Only took me about 45 minutes, too! Which is pretty good, for me.

Yeah. Although I love Robert Downey Jnr, he was getting a little, well, tired. Plus which, new year, new layout. Spring is in the air, dogs are shagging, kittens are gasping for air before their mothers eat them, magpies are pecking each other to death in the annual race for a mate...

Makes you feel good to be alive.

A recent upset at home led my mother to resume the: "You'll never feel loved unless you let yourself" conversation.

I feel this is a little rich coming from a woman on her second marriage. My mother, believe you me, is not the first person I would turn to for relationship advice. The old "Learn by your mistakes" does not apply in this instance.

On the one hand, she's right. She asked me, when did I become so afraid of getting hurt - and she's on to something. The only proper relationship I've ever had, I sabotaged. Well, yes, the guy in question did his fair share, and towards the end I feel the blame entirely lies in his court. But not at the beginning.

The beginning of the end was, I am forced to confess, largely my own fault.

Perhaps I am afraid of getting hurt, and therefore, any time a relationship looks like it might be heading somewhere, I immediately find a reason not to go ahead.

Mind you, saying all this, the truth is I haven't found too many men I want to risk all with. I might people-watch from the bus on the way to work, checking out every male student I can (especially any falling into the skinny, brown-haired poet group), but this is a long way from actually feeling physically attracted to someone.

I've only really felt that buzz once. Hence me screwing it up.

But I don't want to date someone I have no physical connection with. I hate kissing someone I don't actually fancy - it's uncomfortable, awkward, and feels, well, wrong. And as for doing anything else, well... no. I'm not the hedonist my mother aspires to be.

I'm picky, damnit!

As a result, my mother fears for my future. She plans babies and weddings, only to see me spend another Valentine's single and apparantly not caring.

Truth is, I do care. A little, anyways. Sure, I want to be with a guy, have that whole, buzz of intimacy thing. It'd be great. But I'm not going to sweat about the fact that I'm NOT with a guy.

My sister breaks her heart over every boyfriend she dates. My stepsisters get slashed at the weekends and find themselves pulling a stranger or worse, a friend, and wake the following morning with various new numbers on their phones which will make things very tricky in the weeks to come.

"I don't fancy you. I only snogged you because you wouldn't shut up. Oh yeah, and I was pissed."

I am content with the person I am. Despite my rather worrying love of Ally McBeal, I do not feel I need a man to complete me. My vision of the future consists of me, my friends, a couple of cats, and an extensive CD collection and if there's someone in that picture to share it with me, then great.

Until then, my mother can do all the worrying for both of us.

Listening to: Kill the Band - Ours

Quote: "Since I took over as President our profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano."

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